I've collected all these things over time, and I offitaily think the human race is doomed!!!
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and
that's the only time
I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No
inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular
soap." (and that
would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do
not turn upside
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes
on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car
or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to
reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those
head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or
outdoor use only." (as
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the
other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk
about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:
Open packet, eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this
garment does not enable
you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the
parents for this
Only In America. . . .
1) …can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2)...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3)...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4)...do people order double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet coke.
5)...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6)...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7)...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8)...do we buy hot dogs in packages of seven and buns in packages of eight.
9)...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'poli' in latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10)...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Tieback who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonnell's for 2.9 million dollars. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
This year's candidates:
1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms.
2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car
when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.
3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage
locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson
found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case
of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed, to the tune of $500,000.
4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award
was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a
little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who was shooting it repeatedly
with a pellet gun.
5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of night
club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton
was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv
Grazinski of Oklahoma
City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the
cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the
back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the
freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not
advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The
jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually
changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any
other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
Things you should never say to a cop:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"